Closing Time
Ok Ok I won't be so depressing anymore! Even my dad says I'm depressed! So I'll have to hide those feelings a bit ;)
This week was quiet weird. Again a lot of things happened. Isabel passed out during German class. So she has to take a blood test, cause she's tired all the time and there might be something wrong. I hope not, she really doesn't deserve it!
Still with her and Jeroen is totally weird. She was totally crazy about that guy! And now something happened, don't know what, but she doesn't want him anymore... I think she wants the guy she dumped for Jeroen, which is pretty bad.
I, myself, have been ok. I had ended the chapter John and Frank. I can act normal when they will be around. Cause I don't want to look back anymore.
But now that that's working out, my parents started fighting about who would pay my college. I'm just not in the mood for that sort of crap...
Yesterday was fun though! I had a great night with Sigrid. We went out. Had some drinks, met new people and had fun with other people. First of all I met some hot student, but I didn't want to be known as "the slut", cause I already am, I'm just trying to get rid of that reputation. So I didn't do anything. I saw Jasper, last one I wanted to see. But I was so happy about the fact that Tom was talking to me! Tom and I have kind of a history... But he was talking to me again, and I had a lot of fun with him. Even with John I had a nice talk. And according to Rens, I was the one John decided to be straight again. Which was kind of funny. But I knew John was just playing a game. He's still crazy about Menno, and what he had told about me, wasn't even true. Yes we kissed, but that's it. I think Rens was talking about the other "incident", which didn't actually happen.
Mope ?
After this weekend I'm feeling all sorts of different feelings...
I feel tired, sick, happy and sad. And all at the same time. There are so many things happening and so many things happened, that I just don't know HOW to feel.
I feel tired because of this exhausting weekend. Wake up early for school. And all the crap you get to hear from people.
I feel sick, because of all the mistakes I've made. The complete mess I've made. All the lies that have been told. It's just not clear anymore...
I feel happy though! Because all my relatives and friends are doing so well.
But after all I feel sad, because... I feel lonely...
Wild Wild Weekend
This weekend has probably been the craziest weekend in my entire life! Let's start on Friday.
It all started with a very normal day at school. The sun was shining and the weather was too good to just sit at home. So Lars, my classmate, and I went out for a drink on a lovely terrace. The weekend had started so a beer would be just fine. When Lars had to go home, I ran in to Sigrid. We had a lot of catching up to do, so that's what I pretty much did the entire afternoon. Sigrid and I would go out tonight, just us girls, for the good old times!
When I got home, I had to run for my hockeypractice. I was really hyper active that Friday, cause after two hours of training I was still jumping around at the clubhouse. My teammate insisted on buying us beer. So again I had beer, and I didn't have dinner tonight. When I got home, I took a shower and left. At the bar Sigrid and I had SO much fun! But I got way too drunk. No guys this time. Eventhough a friend of Franks was trying to kiss me! But no, I wouldn't do that anymore.
At 4:30 I left the bar, Sigrid and I were so wasted. I was so drunk that I had to call someone and guess who I called... of course, stupid as I was, I was calling: Frank. He picked up the phone. I already got excited by hearing his voice! He was sleeping, and told me he was very tired of working all day. And he promised he would call me back tomorrow.
The next day I woke up with a terrible hangover. And just on the day that Isabel and I had planned a crazy day. We would tell our parents we were sleeping over at each others place. But instead we went shopping in Amsterdam and at night we would go see our Crete-boyfriends. Well Isabel would. We would stay over at his place and take the train home next day. And it worked! Our parents didn't even notice! But anyway that night turned out to be one crazy night too. We were in some sort of village, which was really in the middle of nowhere. We had a great time though. Eberybody knew about us, cause "the boys" had told everything about us. We were stunned about that. Then... it was about 1 o'clock: my phone rings. On the screen appears the name: Frank. I was amazed by the fact that he had actually called back!
I told him I had a crush on him. He said he already had that feeling and that's why he had taken a sure distance of me. Cause he isn't looking for a girlfriend. But I didn't want him as my boyfriend, that's why I wanted to talk to him. To tell him that that "one night" we had planned, would never work, cause I would have feelings for him. He said that I had made the right decision and he was being funny by telling "how could anyone fall in love with me!? I'm not attractive at all!" But he was just teasing me with that. He was so sweet on the phone that I really had to try not to cry, so he would hear me. And I still wanted to thank him for the one night at the restaurant, cause that was just unforgettable.
After the phone call I was devastated, really depressed. And there I was in the middle of nowhere, crying all by myself...
I felt broken. Luckily Menno was there for some emotional support. I was really happy about that! That someone was willing to listen to my story, even if it was about Frank (again). It just made me feel a lot better. And now the felling isn't gone yet. But it is a way of "ending this chapter in my book. " It was as Menno compared Frank to drugs, that I realised I should tell Frank the truth. Menno said that sex with Frank would be like taking drugs. I would really like it, at the moment it would be great! I would feel fantastic! But the day afterwards, knowing that Frank doesn't even love me, would make me feel horrible. Just like drugs do. And then I would like to get that feeling again, so I would sleep with him again and again just to get that great feeling. And my reputation (as long as I still have one) would go down the drain, cause Frank would just have to snap his fingers and I would be there. And I don't wanna be on drugs, so I don't wanna be on Frank. So this metaphor helped me concluding this.
Menno also showed me the light today. That people can be so manipulative. Even some good friends of mine. He could even name an example, and he was SO totally right! And it looked so simple, but I fell for it. I'm such a naïve dumb girl!
So after having this terrible night we had to take the early train. I had to play 2 hockey matches and now I'm really REALLY tired! Also bit hungover... So I'm off to bed...
Don't Look Back...
The situation with John and Menno is still crap. And I'm sort of a contact switch between them. And that's it. About Frank and Jasper? I don't know and I don't care! I'm moving on! Ok I can't say that I'm just gonna forget Frank, cause I just can't, but in a matter of time I will.
There is a light in my life. His name is Ian. He's from England and right now we're chatting. I met him on camp last year and we found out that we were both in to each other last year. But now it's too late he's in England and I'm ... here. But we have a lot of fun over the net. And one day he'll come over. But got to focus on school now!
An Honest Confession
It's been a hectic week. Don't worry I'm already getting over it, but it will take months for me to forget it all.
It was 13 September. I was sleeping and about 2 am my phone beeps. It's a text message, from Jasper. Strange... I didn't give him my number!? I answered him: "how did you get my number?" He had his "sources" as he called them. I already had an idea of who could have given him this mumber: John. Ok I was still half asleep and asked Jasper how he was doing. I got a text back, with a shocking message: "I'm doing good, John just tells me you can give amazing blowjobs" I was stunned! And was totally awake right now. I was pretty pissed off. So I called John. As I told John what I had heard from Jasper, he hung up the phone.
Two minutes later Jasper called me. "What is this?" I aksed. "Oh John, Frank and I are sitting here. Discussing about how good you were at giving blowjobs." The fact that I gave John a blowjob and that this was all a load of bull, didn't bother me. What bothered me, was that Frank was there too... John is like a brother to Frank and this rumor would really blow my chances with him. Cause of course he would believe John! Jasper passed the phone on to Frank. I was so excited to hear his voice, it felt so good, just hearing his voice. But he wasn't so happy. "Did you do it?" He asked me. "No," I said. "Ok," he answered really cool, "and what about Jasper, did the two of you kiss?" I couldn't lie to him so yes was the answer. He passed the phone back to Jasper. I wanted to talk to John, but John didn't want to talk to me. I was really upset about this all. Jasper hung up. Later I got a text from him that John and Frank didn't allow him to talk to me. And according to the messages I got from Jasper, he's expecting me to give him a blowjob. Well that's not the way it works!
The next morning I was completely upset. I needed to confess everything to Menno. I got so scared of losing him, because all of this! At school I told him everything. He picked up everything so well! I can't wish for a better friend than Menno, honestly!
Now Menno doesn't want to talk to John anymore. Because of the things he had said about me ánd the fact that he was still in love with Menno.
I had text John, that I had told Menno everything. And to be honest, John and I are still nice to each other. Eventhough John had told such nasty things about me. I don't know... I was only worried about losing Menno and losing Frank. But I didn't lose Menno, but I think, I did lose Frank... And it's gonna take a while before that wound will heal.
Hectic Hazards
Fuck! This weekend has not been a very good weekend for me. Well it started off well, but Saturday was pretty fucked up. Cause right now, I'm sort of trapped in a web of lies. I can't trust anyone, I've made promises I can't break, I have to lie to the ones I love and I have to rely on people I don't really trust. I'll tell you how it went...
Saturday September 9:
It's 11 am. Time to get up. I get ready for hockey. I have a match today. It's not gonna be very hard, cause we've beaten them before. As I got on the pitch, just standing there cause I'm the goalie, one goal by another went in. I was bored. Then a girl got a hockeystick in her face, broke her teeth and had to go to the hospital. It wasn't a pretty face... We won the match with 8-0.
After the match we went home immediately. At our own club my best friend and I stayed for a while. Today was the day: tonight she had a date with Jeroen, the guy from Crete. And she was totally nervous about it. But I would help her out, I would make reservations at the restaurant she had picked and made sure everything would go well. "Oh no" she said... "I have to work tonight!" "no worries, I'll call the manager, act like I'm your mom and call you sick." That's a great idea! Well it SOUNDED like a great idea, but it turned out bad...
As I called half way the manager said he didn't buy my story and I had to get Isabel on the phone, NOW! For this time the manager would give her the night off, but monday (today) she has to come over and she will probably get some trouble. So now she was even more nervous then she was, because she'd almost lost her job. But the rest of the evening would go well, I had made the reservations and everything would be alright... for her, not for me...
There was no0 time for me to take a shower, because of all this madness. I picked up my clothes and ran off to work. I work in the kitchen of a hotel and what happened. The dishwasher turned out on us. So me and Thijs had to do some of the dishes by hand. At the end of the evening we had to bake some bacon, well not some, a lot actually! But because of the burning grease there was a lot of smoke coming of the grill. So the fire alarm went off. And we had to warn all the hotel guests that it was a false alarm.
After that it was time to clean up the kitchen and have a couple of beers. That was fun, but not really smart of me, cause I didn't have dinner tonight, so alcohol hits you a lot faster.
When I got home, my friend called. She wanted me to meet her boyfriend. Of course I wanted to and I wanted to see her again, cause it had been ages! So as I got home, I quickly took a shower, got dressed and went to the Bar.
I got there and was looking for Sigrid, my friend. I couldn't find her, so I went to the balcony where you get a better view from the bar. I ran in to Erik, the brother of my sister in law. We danced and talked a little. After that I went to the corner to search for Sigrid, and there I found her. With a good-looking guy! It was her boyfriend, really one of the sweetest guys you can imagine AND good-looking! Just as
yara I felt the happy for my friend, that she was so happy with her terrific boyfriend.
As the three of us were dancing and catching up, I saw John. John was the guy I was suppose to see on Friday to talk about the situation between him and Menno, but he said he couldn't make it. But now I saw him and said we still had to talk. I would come downstairs later on to see him. But first I was still having a great time with my friend.
Than Jasper came up. The guy I had kissed a week ago. Apparently he was still interested in me and we kissed again. As we got to talking more he told me he worked at the same restaurant Frank had worked. So he knew Frank! And right behind Jasper I saw John. "Thanks for the picture Fi!" He said. "There's someone who isn't going to be happy with this!" Of course he meant Frank. I don't know, but I don't want to blow my chances with Frank so I ran after John and begged him not to send it. "I was just kidding," he said, "of course I'm not going to send it" Thank God! Sigrid had to leave. So I siad goodbye and wanted to go too, but then I ran in to some of Frank's friends, who are really nice guys. So me and all those guys were talking all night. When it was 5 am it was time to go home, I lost my jacket, so it was pretty cold. But then John stopped me. "Wait! We still have to talk! Shall we go to my place?" It was 5 am, but ok I was really curious about what he had to say. So we went to his place. When we got there he said:"Do you mind if I take a shower?" We had been in a waterfight at the bar, so we were soked and were really cold. "No"I said. "Do you also want to take a shower?" I was really cold and he would put my clothes in the dry cleaner and could wear them again after the shower. "Good idea" "Well... are you going to undress or what?" His plan was to take a shower together and way to easy I said it was ok. I really enjoyed the shower, but hey, you're naked and you're standing very close to each other. So before I knew we were kissing. I was kissing John!!!
We got out of the shower and I told him it didn't feel right. He respected that and said: I'm willing to sleep on the couch." But ok we had kissed, sharing one bed wouldn't mind. Lying in the bed got us to talking. John confessed he did have a crush on Menno. But I think he wasn't really honest with me, he said he wasn't in love with him anymore, but I believe he still is.
Well that's how my Saturday went. I wanted to confess everything to Menno, but John asked me if I wouldn't tell Menno about it. And I promised I wouldn't. But I don't trust John and if he tells Menno, then Menno doesn't trust me anymore. To be honest I feel pretty fucked up...
Compiclated Complications
Last days have been exhausting! But I can't sleep during the day, cause it's not really good for me. Although I sleep the best during the day. So I'm really tired at the moment and I'm keeping myself awake. But in an hour I have to go to work so that will keep me up.
Now today I got a strange text message. The message came from John a friend of Menno. There has been a lot of rumors around those two. Menno told me John has a crush on him. John's a bisexual you see. And according to the way John acted around Menno, I believed Menno. And of course I believed him, cause he's my best friend. Later I heard from Joey, Menno's best friend, that Sophie had started a rumor. She would have said that John was having a relationship with Menno. But I'm sure that Menno would have told me so. And even IF he was interested in men, Menno wouldn't go for a guy like John. But now the gossip only got worse. Menno's dad would have called John, to say he had to end the relationship and to break contact with him. A sort of Romeo and Juliet accept the fact that this involves two men.
But back to the message. John was desperate to talk to me about "you know who". First of al I doubted. Maybe it was about Frank, cause John is sort of a big brother to Frank. But after hearing all the rumors around Menno and John. I am almost sure that it's about Menno. But I don't know John that good, but probably he wants to really see me. So tomorrow I'm meeting him and then I'll know what it's about. I'm really curious. Cause it's weird that John contacts ME, to talk about it. And I promised John I wouldn't tell Menno and I haven't so I hope I can win John's trust. And I hope I don't dissapoint Menno, by not telling him, cause I've made that mistake before. Can't wait till tomorrow!
Just My Luck ?
I'm getting a little bit depressed. I have nothing to look forward to. School is the only thing keeping me up, but even that isn't positive. Everyone around me is finding his or her luck lately. Accept for me... of course...
My dad has found a nice woman, so that's a new stepmom for me. She's amazing, she's a really nice person and I'm so happy to see my dad all happy again. So I probably couldn't wish for a better stepmom.
Then my brother: he won 1500 euros with the lotery!
My other brother is probably moving out, to live with his girlfriend. My sister just moved to Amsterdam and is completely happy now. My youngest brother has always been the most fantastic of the family.
My best friend, she has a date next Saturday with the first guy she met on Crete. She's totally in love and I'm really happy for her! But... what's left for me? Is there anything good reserved for me?
I know I shouldn't complain, there are people in worse situations. Like my best (male) friend. He's been grounded for ages now. And he has the worst stepmom you can imagine. So I really shouldn't complain. But I am... cause I'm a human being and I need things to live for.
Last night before I went to bed. I had to think about Frank. I was still waiting for that message. When my phone beeped, I ran up to it and opened up the message...
It was Menno, the best friend with the evil stepmom, he told me he was doing fine. Cause I'm always worried about him, so I was glad he sms'ed me. But still nothing from Frank...
I wasn't sleeping very well I kept turning around. And about 3:30 am, as I was turning around for like the 50th time, my phone beeped. I couldn't get much sleep so I went out of bed to check. My hope on Frank had almost gone, but then this came in:
Hey! I promised you a message. And about that night? I can't promise anything, but you'll never know ;) kiss
That's what he had sent. Was I happy now? Yes I was, because he kept his word. And no I wasn't because I'm not sure what to think of this message. So if there is one of you bloggers who does understand guys, please help me!
Men come from Mars ?
What is it with men? This question has been haunting me all weekend. They always say that men don't get women at all, but the truth is. We women, or I should speak for myself, I don't get men...
I have dated about 3 guys in the past 3 weeks. And as an illustration, I'll tell you how the dates went...
The first guy was a guy I met on my vacation. Me and my best friend went to Crete, a great party place I can recommend. My friend and I went out on our first night. We wanted to meet some boys and we did! She met a great guy, very sweet and totally her type. I met some one who was not really my type, but he was really charming. He had a nice body and cute blue eyes. We had a great first night. We just kissed. After that I went to our appartment.
The next day we would meet again, my friend was still with the first guy she met. So was I, but that night he told me something. He told me he sometimes kissed guys, just for fun. I'm a very open person so I didn't really matter, I just said: "Oh so you're a bi-sexual?" "No no!" He said." I just kiss them for fun." Ok I have to admit this was really one of the strangest things, but hé he chose to be with me instead of a guy this vacation, so I didn't care. The next day would be his last night on Crete. So my friend and I had to say goodbye to our "summer-boyfriends". But before they went home, we had to party big time! Of course. When I was talking to my guy all the sudden his best friend comes up and right in front of me he kisses his best friend. I didn't know what happened. What the... was this!? And if you thought this was the end oh no it wasn't. After that he kissed me again and then kissed his óther friend. I gave up, I didn't care, because he was such a good kisser. But when the night came to an end and we had to leave. His best friend, the one he kissed first, invited me to their appartment. And not without reason, no, to have a threesome. Ok that was a little too far for me. So that was a no thank you...
But now that I'm back from vacation, I still have contact with him, because he's such a nice boy to talk to. So he's still on my mind sort of. I really don't get it: the fact that I think this idea was crazy, I still like him. How do guys do it?
The second guy was also on Crete, the second week. I forgot my first guy a little bit and so did my best friend. We met a new group of guys. Really nice boys. But when thát guy walked in to the room, I thought: "Ok he's mine!" He was so hot, totally my type. Tall, black hair, nice face, grey eyes and a perfect body. He was too good to be true. At the club we couldn't get our hands of each other, so we decided to take this in to our appartment. It was still fantastic. In the appartment we got to second base, but after that it was time for some sleep. And then...
I was trying to get some sleep and all he could say was: "Oh it's so hot in here! And what's that noise?" All night long... So yeah he was too good to be true. "You know what I'm going to bring you to your own appartment and go get my friend", who was sleeping in their appartment with my man's cousin. When we were walking to their appartment he said: "You know, I had an amazing night with you, but I don't think I want to go further with you." The fact that he even thóught that I wanted a relationship with him, pissed me off. But with a forced smile I was able to say: "of course" And as soon as I could I dumped him and got my friend back.
Really WHY do men think that we women always want a relationship. Sometimes we just want to have some fun.
The third guy. He was a guy I had already met before my vacation and I liked him. He was hot AND he had a nice personality. Before my vacation I had kissed him and we sort of made a deal. Who would spend one night together: Full sex, no strings attached. We both thought this would be great. Cause he just had a relationship of three year and didn't want one. Me neither!
So when I got back from Crete, I went out to see my friends again. At the bar where we always go, I saw him. And we started talking. At the point that we were so close, I wanted to kiss him, he pulled back and said:"I don't kiss in public" Ok... 5 minutes later he came up to me and whispered in my ear:"I'm going outside" As he walked away he blinked at me. I would wait for two more minutes and go after him. When I got outside he was leaning against a building. "Come on, I'll show you where I work." I knew he was a chef at a restaurant, but it was 2 am. Why would he like to show me right now? We entered the restaurant. "Ok now I'll show you my domain," he said. He let me in the kitchen, I took a look around and then the lights went out. We started kissing, it was só passionate. We undressed each other and we got to second base. We got interrupted by my mom, who called that I should come home immediately. Too bad, but we didn't have a condom, so sex wouldn't have worked anyway.
But last Thursday I saw him again. He was very sweet to me. "And is there going to be a second night?" I asked very carefully. I don't know what happened, but he was like:"Well uhm I don't know yet, I have to think about it..." et cetera. So I was kind of annoyed by that. Cause what I think, is that he thinks I want a relationship, or that I'm falling in love with him. So he said he would send me a message if he would know the answer to my question. He would send it any day now. And to be honest I'm still waiting for that sms.
Ok these were my experiences, and these were only from the past three weeks! So can you imagine that I don't really get guys. They're all a bit of a mistery. I have no clue what to think of any of them! Accept the fact that they were all goodlooking. And now I espescially hope for the third guy, cause face it: he is the best. So I hope I get that message soon... any day now. Or maybe never? Cause what do I know about men, do they keep their word or is that something they use to deceive me, us, women... ?
