Me, Myself and the Boys

Don't Speak, I Know Just What You're Saying

It's over... my life is over. This weekend has been the worst of all the ones I've written about. I feel really depressed, but I don't want to. I found the answer to Menno's question. "Why did you kiss Jasper, if you regret it afterwards?" It took me quiet some time to find the answer, but now I have it, and it makes me feel even worse than I did by just regretting it. I'm mad at myself, for acting so stupid in multiple situations! Cause the answer is just: attention.

On Friday I had plans with Sigrid. We would go out together and she would stay over. My mom wanted us home by 4 o'clock. At the bar we danced a little and had loads of fun. She met a student called Steven there and they got to talking all night. So I was by myself, luckily Menno was there too. So I danced with Menno, telling him I was doing alright. I was, untill he left. I was drunk and I wanted Mika so badly! But his friend Peter came up to me, and just kissed me, I didn't even have the chance to realise what had happened, before he left. And so Mika didn't want me anymore.
Sigrid wanted to go home with the student she met. So I went with her and we ended up in some house. And came home around 7:30 am. Thank God my mom didn't notice!

On Saturday I went to Belgium by train. I thought Belgium, I can have a good time there with my cousins and their friends, meet new people. But no, that didn't happen. I got really really drunk again. And I felt alone. See everyone there has a boyfriend there. And I realised something, I realised how special it is when someone says "I love you". And the one person that had said it to me and mean't it was my ex. So drunk as I was I had to give him a phone call. Lucky for me he had been drinking too! So he didn't really mind. But I can't really remember what I've said. What I do remember is sending 2 text messages to Frank! But I can't remember what was in them! But it must have been really bad. Cause yesterday when I got home John had sent me the following:
Hey Fiona, for the last time. Leave Frank and Jasper alone! So we don't get into any trouble with each other! clear? Otherwise we're just in each others way. You have Menno. I think that will do. Take the right decision, the decision which is good for you! - John
I don't know if he mean't this text in a way that he's mad at me or that he wants to help me. I don't know, but I screwed up. And because of this text I found out the answer: Attention.

I'm just sensitive for attention. Men give me attention, and I feel special, it feels like they really care about me. But the next day you feel bad about yourself, because you know they'll never call back. They don't really care about you! Like Jasper he just gave me attention because he had heard I gave amazing blowjobs. His goal was to get a blowjob. And I'm so stupid to kiss him, which gives him the idea of really getting one. It's just pathetic, that I'm so naïve. And now I want to get out of this blackhole, but I can't. I don't know how! Cause I don't want to draw attention from Menno, or Ness. But I have to, if I want to make things up. Get myself together again. It's gonna be a long process. And I don't know if I'm up for it, I need people to support me, but I don't want to draw their attention! Cause I dont wanna sound like a pathetic girl. It's just so complicated...

posted by Fiona @ 12:53 PM