Me, Myself and the Boys

Weak As I Am

My god! What an exhausting weekend! I messed myself up big time this weekend. On Friday I was a very good girl. Had some drinks, went home on time. Had a great time with Menno.

But Saturday...! First of all I had dinner with my mom. She got completely drunk. So I had to bring her home safely. Which took me an hour! After that, I had plans with friends. We had a drink in some lame bar. After that two of the guys and I went to our bar. I call it our bar, cause that's the place where I just love to come.
We went inside As I went to the toilets, my friend JH wanted to go to hís bar. So he had left. JW didn't want to stay either. It was 1 o'clock! Common, that's no time to go home! So he left me alone, cause I just didn't want to leave.
Luckily I ran into Eric. He wanted to keep me company, but I had to meet his friends. As I saw that Tom was his friend. I just wanted to get away as fast as I could. So I did. Hey! I saw Jim, from primary school! Hadn't seen him in ages! I ran up to him and we started talking, and had so much fun! Also with Thijs, my colleague I had a blast. But especially with Floor, a hockey friend of mine. We were dancing, and all the sudden Jasper comes up and says hi. I don't know what happened, but lust took over and I kissed him...
Rens said it was kinda stupid of me to do, and he was so right! I got to know Rens a little better, he's a real nice guy. And I've always respected him, cause he took care of Menno. He said that this was really stupid, because of the things happening with John, Menno and Jasper. It would make it all complicated for me. And he is right...
But after that, I went to John. I talked to him for a few seconds. I really do see John as a friend now, I hope he sees me that way too. But then, he caught me kissing Jasper and the way he reacted was kind of strange. Cause when I went home, he said to me: "Girl how can you do this to me!?" But I think he meant it more in the funny kind of way. So I responded in the funny kind of way too:"I really am gonna miss you John! Especially your body." (Cause he does have a great body) He smiled and said goodbye.
As I was cycling home with Floor, Jasper followed us. And bad as I was we ended up kissing upon the doorstep. Till my mom interrupted us... and the party was over

This afternoon I text Menno, that I kissed Jasper again. He expleined to me, that those guys were just playing with me as I am some sort of toy. They can use me whenever they want. And you know Menno is right. I should be more assertive, but it's just something I can't change immediately. Menno also said it was much more than being assertive. It was about 3 more other things: self awareness, self control and the most important self respect. And after a 4 hour phone call, my conclusion was that I have no self respect AT ALL! And that has to change...

posted by Fiona @ 3:04 PM