Break Down
Before I start typing I have to take a deep breath! What problems! I really am breaking down...
It was a casual Thursday evening. I went to work and got home by eleven o'clock. My dearest Menno called me on my phone. "Do you feel like going out tonight?" was his question. Man! I was dying to go out! But... It was Thursday and that's a schoolnight...
We decided we would both sneak out of our house and meet in front of
the club. I first went to my dad to pick up some clothes I had left there. I told my brother and sister in law what I my intentions were for this night. My sister in law, also my best friend (now), gave me her student card, so I would definately get inside the club. I was excited about all of this!
I got to the club, Menno was already there. We got in! And we had this fantastic night! Julian was working and I really really like him! He assured Menno and me of a lot of free drinks, so we were both quiet wasted at the end of the evening. And when it was about 4 o'clock Menno said something which he shouldn't have done... "Isn't that Frank?" he said. I saw Frank and the moment he saw me he looked away.
I didn't want to spend my time with Frank, cause I know it would be bad for me. But Frank played a nasty game on me. As I went to get some drinks for the two of us. He started hugging Menno and asking him how he was, of course he was aware that I was watching. And the moment I wanted to go back to Menno, he was gone. I really hoped he wasn't gonna ruine my night. But he did... before he left he came up to me and said: "you really should be ashamed of yourself. I asked you not to tell John about us and you did." I was stunned and got really confused. I wasn't the one telling John things! And according to Jasper Frabk had told it himself!? So I really got confused. Frank even said that Menno and John still had contact, but that I wasn't aware of it. Then Jonathan, Frank's best friend, came by and started yelling at me. They left. I was só confused and I also wanted to go home. I really was upset.
When we were outside Menno and I were still chatting a bit and I got to send a text to Julian. Then... my phone rang. It was Frank: "Don't you wanna fuck with Clyde? He looks exactly like me, accpet that he's more tanned." I knew Clyde, and he's a jerk. So I said: "No!" and pressed the red button. Menno was right it was time to go home. I was really really drunk by this time and was on my way home, when Julian called me. I would meet him on my way home. He saw me and offered me a ride home, because I was so drunk. But I was so upset that I didn't know what to do, or that I wanted to go home. Julian said I shouldn't be whining and said he was tired of working all night and wanted to go home. I understood, apologized and said he could go. He kissed me goodbye and left. I was alone, outside in the cold night, drunk.
I went home and my mom was still up. She was really mad me! For a reason of course. But I was confused and it even got worse when Clyde called. He said that I was just a dumb chick who was too much into Frank. Maybe I was? It even made me more confused in my state of mind. Then after arguing with my mom again, I locked myself up. I wanted to cry and go to bed. But Frabk called me. He said: "Hey, do you do blowjobs? If you'll do me, I would do you..." etc. I wasn't into this sort of conversations, I was just not up for it. Again the phone went off. This to yell at me, to tell me I was a cheap whore. I could hear Clyde and Jonathan on the background. It really hurt, the guy I loved so much, was acting all weird and wasn't being the one I loved. Again I turned down the phone call. It was quiet for a while. But still I had no clue what to think of this all! The last time Frank called was an hour after the last call: "I'm sorry! (he said that multiple times) I just miss you, I miss having contact with you. I wanna see you!" My confusion got at the worst point and I snapped...
Frank has no idea what he did to me. But I know he's playing with my feelings and that's cruel. It hurts so bad. Espescially because I loved Frank, really loved him. But he is playing with me, I did tell Frank how much I would do for him.
I called him yesterday, I wanted him to explain me, what had happened. And I found out the answer. Frank didn't love me, it was all a practical joke from Jonathan. Jonathan had been calling me all that time. He was the one talking to me through Frank's phone.
It really gave me a bad feeling, I felt angry and sad at the same time. I took the courage to tell Frank I didn't want to see him anymore. That he couldn't play with my feelings like that. He was quiet rude about it and said that I should tell this to Jonathan. And I did: I called Jonathan and told him to never ever fuck with me again! And I hope he won't.
After all I feel like a complete fool. And I can never face those guys again. Not even John and Jasper. It will take some courage.
But because of my big break down, my whole family thinks I have a psychological problem and they want me to see a psychologist. I don't know'...
I'm crazy...
Bi-Sexual Borders
What a disastarous night was yesterday night! It started of really good, but it ended terribly. Isabel and I went to the bar. It was amazingly fun, we were checking out some hot students and danced with them. Isabel made fun of John, which made laugh. It all went amazing. John and Jasper even left! So I could party at my best!
Menno called, said he would sneak out of his house to come too. I got talking with some new staff there. His name was Rob real nice guy. After that it was all dancing and having fun. Untill Menno arrived. We were having fun, but Isabel got kinda pissed at me, because I let her down. It was suppose to be our girlnight and we would hunt for men and Menno wasn't invited...
So she was a little mad at me for that. But it didn't stop me. Menno filled me up with beer and I got kinda tipsy. Isabel was out of the picture now. I couldn't find her anywhere! Menno and I sang some songs in the girls restroom and had a lot of fun. I said to him: "This is great! And espescially because John and Jasper aren't here!" Menno was laughing. We went downstairs, I choked: AAAH JOHN AND JASPER! I was drunk by this time so I was really screaming.
But I still went downstairs and had a little chat with an Aussie, which was quiet fun. After that I saw Isabel, she was still pissed at me and there was a problem with a girl from her class, so she was busy with that. I was partying on. Then I saw "blondie", that isn't his actual name but he's an extremely hot blond guy, who Isabel and I really adore. But he doesn't know us...
But this time I was drunk so I got to talk to him. He tried to kiss me, but I refused to (it may sound a bit silly, but I really am proud of myself because of that). At least I know his name now.
After that I really had to go to the toilets, but because there was a girl throwing up on the women's toilet, I had to go to the men's. Menno waited for me. I came out of the toilet and ran into Jasper. I said that I wasn't allowed to talk to him. "Fuck John!" He said, "I can talk who ever I want to!" But I closed up and screamed, cause John walked into the room.
It started ok, but after a while it resulted in fight with Menno, Jasper John and me. I was really scared of John and hid myself behind Menno. John couldn't believe it and said that I was the one playing nasty games. Menno stood up for me. I said to John, he had no idea what he was doing to me.
It was the truth, how much would I give to totally forget about those guys! I just cant... And I told them, they were on my mind every single day. John couldn't believe it and said I shouldn't take it so hard. And that I wasn't competitive enough for him, so he would never do something to me. But he does, he's just not aware of it. I really am going crazy and I'm constantly afraid of losing Menno, because of all this bullshit!
I cried and Menno was there for me. John was still mad at me. And Jasper, he was there for me too. Untill John called him back... Well I do have permission to talk to Jasper again now, but I don't want to, I'm still scared of John.
Menno and Jasper guided me on my way home. At my place we were still arguing about John and his love for Menno. And about the fact that Jasper was touching me all the time and he has a girlfriend for Christ sake!
When I was finally safe in my bed. Jasper text me the following: "And still... You're the one making me horny ;) x" I responded: "Explain to me why ;) And good night xx" I fell asleep. And this morning I got an answer: "Well if I wouldn't have a girlfriend right now, I would probably try to get in your bed. ;) x" It kinda made me laugh. He has NO chance!
I also text Julian yesterday when I was drunk. So today I text him and said that I was sorry to text him so late at night. He sent back: "It's ok, I thought it was cute. Love" I wanna see him again I really do! I just hope I didn't made a complete fool of myself. We'll see, on Sunday!
My Oh My, A Song To Say Goodbye
This week has been more sad than happy. The day after my last post my grandmother, who was very sick, died. I still can't believe she's gone. It passed by so fast! Three weeks ago I got to hear she was feeling sick, two weeks ago we heard from the cancer and a week later she was gone. It's still hard to imagine. So I spent my entire week in Belgium, where my family lives.
It was pretty fucked up, cause I was right in my exams when I heard the bad news. So I wasn't able to do them this week.
When I got to Belgium, my cousin was depending on me. She had a pretty rough time. So I wanted to be there for her. I had to be brave, for my mom, my cousin and my aunt. It was kinda hard. My cousin and I wrote a text to read out on the funeral. It was tough, cause when I was writing I thought: I still have to read this in church. It gave me goosebumps.
Yesterday was the funeral. My sister held my hand as we went inside the church. She hadn't seen my grandmother for six months so for her it was even harder to realise. She cried at my shoulder as she saw the coffin with her photo on it. We walked along and took place on the second row. It was a really catholic procedure, so the men took place on the right the women on the left.
The priest was reading from the bible, the choir sang songs and after that my mom had to read her text. It was really emotional; everyone was crying. After that they played my grandmothers favourite song. It made me cry. And then it was my turn. Me and my cousin went up to the altar. My entire body was shaking. But I kept reading, but at my last words I choked. It was too deep, I just couldn't say it and started crying, my cousin took over.
It really was a last goodbye. I am gonna miss her...
This Could Be The End Of Everything
A few weeks passed by since my last post. A lot of things happened of course. First of all I found out why John was really pissed at me and why he had told me not to talk to Jasper anymore. Jasper told me himself, he didn't bother whatever John had said and I didn't bother too. Cause I won't let John live my life! I make my own decisions. But anyway, John was mad at me. He had told Jasper that he had the feeling like I had stolen all his "buddies". Frank, Jasper and Menno. They were/are all very good friends of John, but to John it feels like I'm taking them away from him. It's kind of ridiculous, cause the reason I met Frank, is because John always left me alone with him, so he could be alone with Menno. Menno has always been a good friend of mine, and Jasper I met him by accident at a party. It was untill three weeks later I found out he was a friend of John. It's just so stupid, cause I always had the best at heart for John, but he has no idea and I think he doesn't want to believe that. He doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I did speak to Jasper, which made John even more pissed than he was before. He sent me a text, which said that he had enough of me. I didn't care. I'm through with them.
I did see Jasper on Saturday. I just said hi, but I think John is mad at him too, cause he didn't say hi back. Or Jasper is mad at me too, cause I insulted John. I don't know and don't want to spend my time thinking about it.
Then Sunday, I had a party going on at y hockeyclub. It was a lot of fun. My eyes were all set on Julian. I really like him. I already liked him when I had a boyfriend, but of course then we didn't do anything. We just had fun conversations then. But this night we were both single and we were constantly making eye contact. He's a teammate of y trainer and their team was dancing. I went up to my trainer and had a nice chat with him. My friend was dancing with his teammates, including Julian. I was afraid she would go for Julian, but later that night she told me she had laid her eyes on Maarten, another teammate, but at that time she was dancing with Julian. So I got pretty jealous, cause I was watching him all night long and now she was dancing with him. I went up to Julian and told him he shouldn't be making me jealous. He smiled at me and then kissed me...
After that we went to the park, and spend an amazing night there. We were just sitting on a bench kissing and talking. It was amaing, and now...I'm in love! *sigh*
After this fantastic Sunday I got terrible news. I got to hear my grandmoother was suffering from cancer. It's pretty bad, the doctors said the can't do anything, it's too late. So I went to see her this Sunday and she looked terrible. It wasn't my granny anymore. All the lust seemed gone. I think this was the last time I was able to speak to her. What do you say to some one who has always been there for you and you will probably see her for the last time!? I had no idea, tears just kept falling down. There were no words, I just said: Goodbye grandma, touched her face and kissed her forehead. Then held her hand. It was one of the most awkward scenes in my life. Just knowing that the next time you will see her, is when she's dead. You can't imagine, unless you've been there. And I hope you've not.
