Highway To Relief
Hah! I had never thought I would feel better so fast after this weekend! But I do now! It was kind of weird how everything got clear to me. And now I'm just gonna start all over again. I'm done with Frank and Jasper, that's for sure now. I'll tell you what happened.
Yesterdaynight I got a text message from Frank. I was so surprised! After John's text on Sunday, I thought Frank hated me! But no, he said he wanted to meet me. Sure, I said. But then I thought:"John had told me to leave those guys alone, so maybe Frank was trying to trick me into meeting him. Then I would have big problems with John." So I responded to him:"I don't want to get in any trouble, espescially not with John." Frank answered:"I won't tell, if you won't." It made me doubt, I really wanted to meet Frank! So I text Menno if I could call him. He was kinda tired, so I didn't want to bother him. All the sudden I got three texts in a row. Are you free tonight? Cause I am. I want to meet you tonight! "Oh no!" I thought. I couldn't call Menno anymore, I would do that tomorrow. So I didn't respond to those texts.
I went to sleep, cause it wouldn't work anyway. As I was almost falling asleep, my phone beeps. Frank was wondering if I was still awake. And he asked me if I wanted to meet him at his place. I said I still didn't trust this whole situation. Then he called me. He really wanted to know, why I didn't trust him. He said he wouldn't hurt me and he promised me the time of my life. I couldn't resist, if I wouldn't take this chance I would really regret it. But what if this was a set-up after all...?
I sneaked out of the house, it was 3:30 am. He would pick me up at the gasstation. And there I saw him. He still looked hot. We talked all night, and had a great time together!
Now I think it's really over with those two guys. I had the time of my life with Frank, but I know I won't see him for a while now. And Jasper, seems that he has a girlfriend and that he cheated on her, more than once, with me! So that's definetely over.
I called Menno this morning. He thought I did it great. And now I don't get negative attention of Menno anymore, which was my goal. And I'm not fucked up anymore. Cause I don't know, this night with Frank really cleared my mind. Thanks to his support as well. I am now able to say: I feel good!
Don't Speak, I Know Just What You're Saying
It's over... my life is over. This weekend has been the worst of all the ones I've written about. I feel really depressed, but I don't want to. I found the answer to Menno's question. "Why did you kiss Jasper, if you regret it afterwards?" It took me quiet some time to find the answer, but now I have it, and it makes me feel even worse than I did by just regretting it. I'm mad at myself, for acting so stupid in multiple situations! Cause the answer is just: attention.
On Friday I had plans with Sigrid. We would go out together and she would stay over. My mom wanted us home by 4 o'clock. At the bar we danced a little and had loads of fun. She met a student called Steven there and they got to talking all night. So I was by myself, luckily Menno was there too. So I danced with Menno, telling him I was doing alright. I was, untill he left. I was drunk and I wanted Mika so badly! But his friend Peter came up to me, and just kissed me, I didn't even have the chance to realise what had happened, before he left. And so Mika didn't want me anymore.
Sigrid wanted to go home with the student she met. So I went with her and we ended up in some house. And came home around 7:30 am. Thank God my mom didn't notice!
On Saturday I went to Belgium by train. I thought Belgium, I can have a good time there with my cousins and their friends, meet new people. But no, that didn't happen. I got really really drunk again. And I felt alone. See everyone there has a boyfriend there. And I realised something, I realised how special it is when someone says "I love you". And the one person that had said it to me and mean't it was my ex. So drunk as I was I had to give him a phone call. Lucky for me he had been drinking too! So he didn't really mind. But I can't really remember what I've said. What I do remember is sending 2 text messages to Frank! But I can't remember what was in them! But it must have been really bad. Cause yesterday when I got home John had sent me the following:
Hey Fiona, for the last time. Leave Frank and Jasper alone! So we don't get into any trouble with each other! clear? Otherwise we're just in each others way. You have Menno. I think that will do. Take the right decision, the decision which is good for you! - John
I don't know if he mean't this text in a way that he's mad at me or that he wants to help me. I don't know, but I screwed up. And because of this text I found out the answer: Attention.
I'm just sensitive for attention. Men give me attention, and I feel special, it feels like they really care about me. But the next day you feel bad about yourself, because you know they'll never call back. They don't really care about you! Like Jasper he just gave me attention because he had heard I gave amazing blowjobs. His goal was to get a blowjob. And I'm so stupid to kiss him, which gives him the idea of really getting one. It's just pathetic, that I'm so naïve. And now I want to get out of this blackhole, but I can't. I don't know how! Cause I don't want to draw attention from Menno, or Ness. But I have to, if I want to make things up. Get myself together again. It's gonna be a long process. And I don't know if I'm up for it, I need people to support me, but I don't want to draw their attention! Cause I dont wanna sound like a pathetic girl. It's just so complicated...
Weak As I Am
My god! What an exhausting weekend! I messed myself up big time this weekend. On Friday I was a very good girl. Had some drinks, went home on time. Had a great time with Menno.
But Saturday...! First of all I had dinner with my mom. She got completely drunk. So I had to bring her home safely. Which took me an hour! After that, I had plans with friends. We had a drink in some lame bar. After that two of the guys and I went to our bar. I call it our bar, cause that's the place where I just love to come.
We went inside As I went to the toilets, my friend JH wanted to go to hís bar. So he had left. JW didn't want to stay either. It was 1 o'clock! Common, that's no time to go home! So he left me alone, cause I just didn't want to leave.
Luckily I ran into Eric. He wanted to keep me company, but I had to meet his friends. As I saw that Tom was his friend. I just wanted to get away as fast as I could. So I did. Hey! I saw Jim, from primary school! Hadn't seen him in ages! I ran up to him and we started talking, and had so much fun! Also with Thijs, my colleague I had a blast. But especially with Floor, a hockey friend of mine. We were dancing, and all the sudden Jasper comes up and says hi. I don't know what happened, but lust took over and I kissed him...
Rens said it was kinda stupid of me to do, and he was so right! I got to know Rens a little better, he's a real nice guy. And I've always respected him, cause he took care of Menno. He said that this was really stupid, because of the things happening with John, Menno and Jasper. It would make it all complicated for me. And he is right...
But after that, I went to John. I talked to him for a few seconds. I really do see John as a friend now, I hope he sees me that way too. But then, he caught me kissing Jasper and the way he reacted was kind of strange. Cause when I went home, he said to me: "Girl how can you do this to me!?" But I think he meant it more in the funny kind of way. So I responded in the funny kind of way too:"I really am gonna miss you John! Especially your body." (Cause he does have a great body) He smiled and said goodbye.
As I was cycling home with Floor, Jasper followed us. And bad as I was we ended up kissing upon the doorstep. Till my mom interrupted us... and the party was over
This afternoon I text Menno, that I kissed Jasper again. He expleined to me, that those guys were just playing with me as I am some sort of toy. They can use me whenever they want. And you know Menno is right. I should be more assertive, but it's just something I can't change immediately. Menno also said it was much more than being assertive. It was about 3 more other things: self awareness, self control and the most important self respect. And after a 4 hour phone call, my conclusion was that I have no self respect AT ALL! And that has to change...
I Find It Kind Of Funny, I Find It Kind Of Sad
What a weekend! (Again) I don't know what it is, but I eventhough I hate guys, I can't seem to live without them... but something to think through for me...
I had a chat with my ex-boyfriend. He felt sorry for the way he had acted on the 2nd. October. It made me feel a lot better, but still I have the feeling things are not right between us. I just want a decent talk with him, especially now that we have to work together a lot on the PWS.
On Friday, my sister in law, Iris threw a party. She became 20 last week and she had invited me too to her birthday party. It was a lot of fun, but we all had a drink too much. And I found out that Iris found out the "history" between me and Tom. So I was kind of pissed at my brother, cause he had told her. But it was OK and she told me a lot too. I'm really starting to trust her, even more than my own sister.
Stupid thing I did that night was, that I sent John the texts that were supposed to go to Erik. And that I found out next morning...
On Saturday there was hockey. We became pool champion, yay! After that I had to leave to go to Isabel's birthday party. We had a great time. About 12 o'clock we went to the bar, to really celebrate it. The bar felt like a candyshop! It was filled with cute guys! But I didn't have candy that night. Yes, I was being a wise girl that night.
I did feel really bad about the look Jonathan, Frank's best friend, gave to me. I just didn't feel right. Maybe Frank didn't want me because of Jonathan? I don't know and I shouldn't care (anymore).
After a great time with Isabel at the bar we went home. Before I left the bar I saw John. "Was everything OK with you last night?" he asked, "cause you sent me the same text about 5 times..." Oops... "They were for Erik," I said. "Oh OK, cause I was getting worried." Ahw how cute of him.
And I know it's really really bad of me, but I really wanted John! As I was lying in my bed I thought about it. But how could I!? It's not that I have "feelings" for him, at least not love... I think it was just lust.
And it was. Cause the next day, when I was watching my brother's hockey game, Julian was the referee. And Julian is a guy I've always kind of liked. And as he was waving at me from the sideline, I melted.
I think I just need a guy again! How terrible am I!? Can't live with or without men!
Haring, Hutspot, Wittebrood
Two exciting days just passed by! "Leidens Ontzet! " Don't really know how to explain it in English, but it comes down to two days non-stop party.
At 2nd of October Isabel and I went to the bar. Isabel didn't want to go inside. (outdoor there was also a party going on). But I was cold because of the rain and wanted to go inside. Because of this stupid thing we were arguing.
All the sudden I saw my ex-boyfriend. He was totally drunk. I ran up to him and asked him if he was alright, cause he fell on the ground pretty hard. He came up pushed me aside and said: "I don't even know who I am at this moment, but I do know YOU are my ex! Go away! Fuck you!" That's what he said. I was pretty upset about that, and I still am! I don't think he sees how much he still means to me. After we broke up I haven't had a decent talk with him. So I really wonder what's bothering him. And the fact that he still means a lot to me is just that he was a real good friend of mine for a very long time and the fact that our relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean that I don't want to be his friend anymore, or that he has become "just some guy" to me. I think that's something I'll have to make him clear.
After this incident Isabel and I went home. Well... Isabel went, I went back to town, cause I needed to go inside! I didn't feel like I had really "celebrated" this evening. So I still went to the bar. I had the best time with Menno there! We were just dancing and having fun. It must have been torture for John to see me dancing so close to Menno. I don't know what it is, I think I just know how John must feel. Being rejected by the one you love: that's why I still have a sort of sympathy for John eventhough he had said those nasty things about me...
The third of October everyone of my friends was having a hangover. But I think Erik was the worst. I went to town with him. He told me what he had done yesterday night: He was completely wasted, because of all the beer and wodka Menno gave to him. And when he finally found his bicycle to ride home. He hit a pole. He had a few bruises and the bone of his nose was standing the other way!? Really weird, so we were looking for a doctor all day.
His nose isn't broken, but there's something wrong with it, don't really know what, but it wasn't that bad.
