Break Down
Before I start typing I have to take a deep breath! What problems! I really am breaking down...
It was a casual Thursday evening. I went to work and got home by eleven o'clock. My dearest Menno called me on my phone. "Do you feel like going out tonight?" was his question. Man! I was dying to go out! But... It was Thursday and that's a schoolnight...
We decided we would both sneak out of our house and meet in front of
the club. I first went to my dad to pick up some clothes I had left there. I told my brother and sister in law what I my intentions were for this night. My sister in law, also my best friend (now), gave me her student card, so I would definately get inside the club. I was excited about all of this!
I got to the club, Menno was already there. We got in! And we had this fantastic night! Julian was working and I really really like him! He assured Menno and me of a lot of free drinks, so we were both quiet wasted at the end of the evening. And when it was about 4 o'clock Menno said something which he shouldn't have done... "Isn't that Frank?" he said. I saw Frank and the moment he saw me he looked away.
I didn't want to spend my time with Frank, cause I know it would be bad for me. But Frank played a nasty game on me. As I went to get some drinks for the two of us. He started hugging Menno and asking him how he was, of course he was aware that I was watching. And the moment I wanted to go back to Menno, he was gone. I really hoped he wasn't gonna ruine my night. But he did... before he left he came up to me and said: "you really should be ashamed of yourself. I asked you not to tell John about us and you did." I was stunned and got really confused. I wasn't the one telling John things! And according to Jasper Frabk had told it himself!? So I really got confused. Frank even said that Menno and John still had contact, but that I wasn't aware of it. Then Jonathan, Frank's best friend, came by and started yelling at me. They left. I was só confused and I also wanted to go home. I really was upset.
When we were outside Menno and I were still chatting a bit and I got to send a text to Julian. Then... my phone rang. It was Frank: "Don't you wanna fuck with Clyde? He looks exactly like me, accpet that he's more tanned." I knew Clyde, and he's a jerk. So I said: "No!" and pressed the red button. Menno was right it was time to go home. I was really really drunk by this time and was on my way home, when Julian called me. I would meet him on my way home. He saw me and offered me a ride home, because I was so drunk. But I was so upset that I didn't know what to do, or that I wanted to go home. Julian said I shouldn't be whining and said he was tired of working all night and wanted to go home. I understood, apologized and said he could go. He kissed me goodbye and left. I was alone, outside in the cold night, drunk.
I went home and my mom was still up. She was really mad me! For a reason of course. But I was confused and it even got worse when Clyde called. He said that I was just a dumb chick who was too much into Frank. Maybe I was? It even made me more confused in my state of mind. Then after arguing with my mom again, I locked myself up. I wanted to cry and go to bed. But Frabk called me. He said: "Hey, do you do blowjobs? If you'll do me, I would do you..." etc. I wasn't into this sort of conversations, I was just not up for it. Again the phone went off. This to yell at me, to tell me I was a cheap whore. I could hear Clyde and Jonathan on the background. It really hurt, the guy I loved so much, was acting all weird and wasn't being the one I loved. Again I turned down the phone call. It was quiet for a while. But still I had no clue what to think of this all! The last time Frank called was an hour after the last call: "I'm sorry! (he said that multiple times) I just miss you, I miss having contact with you. I wanna see you!" My confusion got at the worst point and I snapped...
Frank has no idea what he did to me. But I know he's playing with my feelings and that's cruel. It hurts so bad. Espescially because I loved Frank, really loved him. But he is playing with me, I did tell Frank how much I would do for him.
I called him yesterday, I wanted him to explain me, what had happened. And I found out the answer. Frank didn't love me, it was all a practical joke from Jonathan. Jonathan had been calling me all that time. He was the one talking to me through Frank's phone.
It really gave me a bad feeling, I felt angry and sad at the same time. I took the courage to tell Frank I didn't want to see him anymore. That he couldn't play with my feelings like that. He was quiet rude about it and said that I should tell this to Jonathan. And I did: I called Jonathan and told him to never ever fuck with me again! And I hope he won't.
After all I feel like a complete fool. And I can never face those guys again. Not even John and Jasper. It will take some courage.
But because of my big break down, my whole family thinks I have a psychological problem and they want me to see a psychologist. I don't know'...
I'm crazy...
Bi-Sexual Borders
What a disastarous night was yesterday night! It started of really good, but it ended terribly. Isabel and I went to the bar. It was amazingly fun, we were checking out some hot students and danced with them. Isabel made fun of John, which made laugh. It all went amazing. John and Jasper even left! So I could party at my best!
Menno called, said he would sneak out of his house to come too. I got talking with some new staff there. His name was Rob real nice guy. After that it was all dancing and having fun. Untill Menno arrived. We were having fun, but Isabel got kinda pissed at me, because I let her down. It was suppose to be our girlnight and we would hunt for men and Menno wasn't invited...
So she was a little mad at me for that. But it didn't stop me. Menno filled me up with beer and I got kinda tipsy. Isabel was out of the picture now. I couldn't find her anywhere! Menno and I sang some songs in the girls restroom and had a lot of fun. I said to him: "This is great! And espescially because John and Jasper aren't here!" Menno was laughing. We went downstairs, I choked: AAAH JOHN AND JASPER! I was drunk by this time so I was really screaming.
But I still went downstairs and had a little chat with an Aussie, which was quiet fun. After that I saw Isabel, she was still pissed at me and there was a problem with a girl from her class, so she was busy with that. I was partying on. Then I saw "blondie", that isn't his actual name but he's an extremely hot blond guy, who Isabel and I really adore. But he doesn't know us...
But this time I was drunk so I got to talk to him. He tried to kiss me, but I refused to (it may sound a bit silly, but I really am proud of myself because of that). At least I know his name now.
After that I really had to go to the toilets, but because there was a girl throwing up on the women's toilet, I had to go to the men's. Menno waited for me. I came out of the toilet and ran into Jasper. I said that I wasn't allowed to talk to him. "Fuck John!" He said, "I can talk who ever I want to!" But I closed up and screamed, cause John walked into the room.
It started ok, but after a while it resulted in fight with Menno, Jasper John and me. I was really scared of John and hid myself behind Menno. John couldn't believe it and said that I was the one playing nasty games. Menno stood up for me. I said to John, he had no idea what he was doing to me.
It was the truth, how much would I give to totally forget about those guys! I just cant... And I told them, they were on my mind every single day. John couldn't believe it and said I shouldn't take it so hard. And that I wasn't competitive enough for him, so he would never do something to me. But he does, he's just not aware of it. I really am going crazy and I'm constantly afraid of losing Menno, because of all this bullshit!
I cried and Menno was there for me. John was still mad at me. And Jasper, he was there for me too. Untill John called him back... Well I do have permission to talk to Jasper again now, but I don't want to, I'm still scared of John.
Menno and Jasper guided me on my way home. At my place we were still arguing about John and his love for Menno. And about the fact that Jasper was touching me all the time and he has a girlfriend for Christ sake!
When I was finally safe in my bed. Jasper text me the following: "And still... You're the one making me horny ;) x" I responded: "Explain to me why ;) And good night xx" I fell asleep. And this morning I got an answer: "Well if I wouldn't have a girlfriend right now, I would probably try to get in your bed. ;) x" It kinda made me laugh. He has NO chance!
I also text Julian yesterday when I was drunk. So today I text him and said that I was sorry to text him so late at night. He sent back: "It's ok, I thought it was cute. Love" I wanna see him again I really do! I just hope I didn't made a complete fool of myself. We'll see, on Sunday!
My Oh My, A Song To Say Goodbye
This week has been more sad than happy. The day after my last post my grandmother, who was very sick, died. I still can't believe she's gone. It passed by so fast! Three weeks ago I got to hear she was feeling sick, two weeks ago we heard from the cancer and a week later she was gone. It's still hard to imagine. So I spent my entire week in Belgium, where my family lives.
It was pretty fucked up, cause I was right in my exams when I heard the bad news. So I wasn't able to do them this week.
When I got to Belgium, my cousin was depending on me. She had a pretty rough time. So I wanted to be there for her. I had to be brave, for my mom, my cousin and my aunt. It was kinda hard. My cousin and I wrote a text to read out on the funeral. It was tough, cause when I was writing I thought: I still have to read this in church. It gave me goosebumps.
Yesterday was the funeral. My sister held my hand as we went inside the church. She hadn't seen my grandmother for six months so for her it was even harder to realise. She cried at my shoulder as she saw the coffin with her photo on it. We walked along and took place on the second row. It was a really catholic procedure, so the men took place on the right the women on the left.
The priest was reading from the bible, the choir sang songs and after that my mom had to read her text. It was really emotional; everyone was crying. After that they played my grandmothers favourite song. It made me cry. And then it was my turn. Me and my cousin went up to the altar. My entire body was shaking. But I kept reading, but at my last words I choked. It was too deep, I just couldn't say it and started crying, my cousin took over.
It really was a last goodbye. I am gonna miss her...
This Could Be The End Of Everything
A few weeks passed by since my last post. A lot of things happened of course. First of all I found out why John was really pissed at me and why he had told me not to talk to Jasper anymore. Jasper told me himself, he didn't bother whatever John had said and I didn't bother too. Cause I won't let John live my life! I make my own decisions. But anyway, John was mad at me. He had told Jasper that he had the feeling like I had stolen all his "buddies". Frank, Jasper and Menno. They were/are all very good friends of John, but to John it feels like I'm taking them away from him. It's kind of ridiculous, cause the reason I met Frank, is because John always left me alone with him, so he could be alone with Menno. Menno has always been a good friend of mine, and Jasper I met him by accident at a party. It was untill three weeks later I found out he was a friend of John. It's just so stupid, cause I always had the best at heart for John, but he has no idea and I think he doesn't want to believe that. He doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I did speak to Jasper, which made John even more pissed than he was before. He sent me a text, which said that he had enough of me. I didn't care. I'm through with them.
I did see Jasper on Saturday. I just said hi, but I think John is mad at him too, cause he didn't say hi back. Or Jasper is mad at me too, cause I insulted John. I don't know and don't want to spend my time thinking about it.
Then Sunday, I had a party going on at y hockeyclub. It was a lot of fun. My eyes were all set on Julian. I really like him. I already liked him when I had a boyfriend, but of course then we didn't do anything. We just had fun conversations then. But this night we were both single and we were constantly making eye contact. He's a teammate of y trainer and their team was dancing. I went up to my trainer and had a nice chat with him. My friend was dancing with his teammates, including Julian. I was afraid she would go for Julian, but later that night she told me she had laid her eyes on Maarten, another teammate, but at that time she was dancing with Julian. So I got pretty jealous, cause I was watching him all night long and now she was dancing with him. I went up to Julian and told him he shouldn't be making me jealous. He smiled at me and then kissed me...
After that we went to the park, and spend an amazing night there. We were just sitting on a bench kissing and talking. It was amaing, and now...I'm in love! *sigh*
After this fantastic Sunday I got terrible news. I got to hear my grandmoother was suffering from cancer. It's pretty bad, the doctors said the can't do anything, it's too late. So I went to see her this Sunday and she looked terrible. It wasn't my granny anymore. All the lust seemed gone. I think this was the last time I was able to speak to her. What do you say to some one who has always been there for you and you will probably see her for the last time!? I had no idea, tears just kept falling down. There were no words, I just said: Goodbye grandma, touched her face and kissed her forehead. Then held her hand. It was one of the most awkward scenes in my life. Just knowing that the next time you will see her, is when she's dead. You can't imagine, unless you've been there. And I hope you've not.
Highway To Relief
Hah! I had never thought I would feel better so fast after this weekend! But I do now! It was kind of weird how everything got clear to me. And now I'm just gonna start all over again. I'm done with Frank and Jasper, that's for sure now. I'll tell you what happened.
Yesterdaynight I got a text message from Frank. I was so surprised! After John's text on Sunday, I thought Frank hated me! But no, he said he wanted to meet me. Sure, I said. But then I thought:"John had told me to leave those guys alone, so maybe Frank was trying to trick me into meeting him. Then I would have big problems with John." So I responded to him:"I don't want to get in any trouble, espescially not with John." Frank answered:"I won't tell, if you won't." It made me doubt, I really wanted to meet Frank! So I text Menno if I could call him. He was kinda tired, so I didn't want to bother him. All the sudden I got three texts in a row. Are you free tonight? Cause I am. I want to meet you tonight! "Oh no!" I thought. I couldn't call Menno anymore, I would do that tomorrow. So I didn't respond to those texts.
I went to sleep, cause it wouldn't work anyway. As I was almost falling asleep, my phone beeps. Frank was wondering if I was still awake. And he asked me if I wanted to meet him at his place. I said I still didn't trust this whole situation. Then he called me. He really wanted to know, why I didn't trust him. He said he wouldn't hurt me and he promised me the time of my life. I couldn't resist, if I wouldn't take this chance I would really regret it. But what if this was a set-up after all...?
I sneaked out of the house, it was 3:30 am. He would pick me up at the gasstation. And there I saw him. He still looked hot. We talked all night, and had a great time together!
Now I think it's really over with those two guys. I had the time of my life with Frank, but I know I won't see him for a while now. And Jasper, seems that he has a girlfriend and that he cheated on her, more than once, with me! So that's definetely over.
I called Menno this morning. He thought I did it great. And now I don't get negative attention of Menno anymore, which was my goal. And I'm not fucked up anymore. Cause I don't know, this night with Frank really cleared my mind. Thanks to his support as well. I am now able to say: I feel good!
Don't Speak, I Know Just What You're Saying
It's over... my life is over. This weekend has been the worst of all the ones I've written about. I feel really depressed, but I don't want to. I found the answer to Menno's question. "Why did you kiss Jasper, if you regret it afterwards?" It took me quiet some time to find the answer, but now I have it, and it makes me feel even worse than I did by just regretting it. I'm mad at myself, for acting so stupid in multiple situations! Cause the answer is just: attention.
On Friday I had plans with Sigrid. We would go out together and she would stay over. My mom wanted us home by 4 o'clock. At the bar we danced a little and had loads of fun. She met a student called Steven there and they got to talking all night. So I was by myself, luckily Menno was there too. So I danced with Menno, telling him I was doing alright. I was, untill he left. I was drunk and I wanted Mika so badly! But his friend Peter came up to me, and just kissed me, I didn't even have the chance to realise what had happened, before he left. And so Mika didn't want me anymore.
Sigrid wanted to go home with the student she met. So I went with her and we ended up in some house. And came home around 7:30 am. Thank God my mom didn't notice!
On Saturday I went to Belgium by train. I thought Belgium, I can have a good time there with my cousins and their friends, meet new people. But no, that didn't happen. I got really really drunk again. And I felt alone. See everyone there has a boyfriend there. And I realised something, I realised how special it is when someone says "I love you". And the one person that had said it to me and mean't it was my ex. So drunk as I was I had to give him a phone call. Lucky for me he had been drinking too! So he didn't really mind. But I can't really remember what I've said. What I do remember is sending 2 text messages to Frank! But I can't remember what was in them! But it must have been really bad. Cause yesterday when I got home John had sent me the following:
Hey Fiona, for the last time. Leave Frank and Jasper alone! So we don't get into any trouble with each other! clear? Otherwise we're just in each others way. You have Menno. I think that will do. Take the right decision, the decision which is good for you! - John
I don't know if he mean't this text in a way that he's mad at me or that he wants to help me. I don't know, but I screwed up. And because of this text I found out the answer: Attention.
I'm just sensitive for attention. Men give me attention, and I feel special, it feels like they really care about me. But the next day you feel bad about yourself, because you know they'll never call back. They don't really care about you! Like Jasper he just gave me attention because he had heard I gave amazing blowjobs. His goal was to get a blowjob. And I'm so stupid to kiss him, which gives him the idea of really getting one. It's just pathetic, that I'm so naïve. And now I want to get out of this blackhole, but I can't. I don't know how! Cause I don't want to draw attention from Menno, or Ness. But I have to, if I want to make things up. Get myself together again. It's gonna be a long process. And I don't know if I'm up for it, I need people to support me, but I don't want to draw their attention! Cause I dont wanna sound like a pathetic girl. It's just so complicated...
Weak As I Am
My god! What an exhausting weekend! I messed myself up big time this weekend. On Friday I was a very good girl. Had some drinks, went home on time. Had a great time with Menno.
But Saturday...! First of all I had dinner with my mom. She got completely drunk. So I had to bring her home safely. Which took me an hour! After that, I had plans with friends. We had a drink in some lame bar. After that two of the guys and I went to our bar. I call it our bar, cause that's the place where I just love to come.
We went inside As I went to the toilets, my friend JH wanted to go to hís bar. So he had left. JW didn't want to stay either. It was 1 o'clock! Common, that's no time to go home! So he left me alone, cause I just didn't want to leave.
Luckily I ran into Eric. He wanted to keep me company, but I had to meet his friends. As I saw that Tom was his friend. I just wanted to get away as fast as I could. So I did. Hey! I saw Jim, from primary school! Hadn't seen him in ages! I ran up to him and we started talking, and had so much fun! Also with Thijs, my colleague I had a blast. But especially with Floor, a hockey friend of mine. We were dancing, and all the sudden Jasper comes up and says hi. I don't know what happened, but lust took over and I kissed him...
Rens said it was kinda stupid of me to do, and he was so right! I got to know Rens a little better, he's a real nice guy. And I've always respected him, cause he took care of Menno. He said that this was really stupid, because of the things happening with John, Menno and Jasper. It would make it all complicated for me. And he is right...
But after that, I went to John. I talked to him for a few seconds. I really do see John as a friend now, I hope he sees me that way too. But then, he caught me kissing Jasper and the way he reacted was kind of strange. Cause when I went home, he said to me: "Girl how can you do this to me!?" But I think he meant it more in the funny kind of way. So I responded in the funny kind of way too:"I really am gonna miss you John! Especially your body." (Cause he does have a great body) He smiled and said goodbye.
As I was cycling home with Floor, Jasper followed us. And bad as I was we ended up kissing upon the doorstep. Till my mom interrupted us... and the party was over
This afternoon I text Menno, that I kissed Jasper again. He expleined to me, that those guys were just playing with me as I am some sort of toy. They can use me whenever they want. And you know Menno is right. I should be more assertive, but it's just something I can't change immediately. Menno also said it was much more than being assertive. It was about 3 more other things: self awareness, self control and the most important self respect. And after a 4 hour phone call, my conclusion was that I have no self respect AT ALL! And that has to change...
